E.T., Phone Home!

I will admit I am THE WORST when it comes to knowing what small touches are meaningful when someone else needs comfort during difficult times.  I find myself tied up in knots--Should I do this, should I do that?  Will I disturb them if I call?  Will I catch them at a bad time? What would they like me to do for them?  Do they want to talk about their situation or do they not want to talk about it?   Is there a mitsvah I can do?  Having prided myself on being strong all these years, I have developed a serious Achilles heel of a social order: empathetic inertia.

But in talking to friends about this, I fnd I am not alone.  There's my friend in the medical field who deals with cancer patients daily and feels stymmied when it effects personal friends, or a girlfriend who emphaticallly declared her own discomfort, or the someone who comes to visit and does not feel comfortable asking "How's it going?".  Maybe you are as uncomfortable as me with navigating this particular universe?

So, what have I learned from the other side? Being on the receiving end?  Normalcy is real important.  On any given day a chemo patient may be exhausted, ill, sad, OR full of energy and feeling strong.  These are things I have found immensely precious and I offer them, not as advice on interacting with me, but as general guidance and ideas for YOUR comfort when a friend is in need.

First and foremost, do not ever visit a chemo patient if you have ANY symptoms of infection or viruses.  Err on the conservative side.  Think it is only a little allergy?  Postpone the visit and choose another nice thing to do. . .

• make a simple phone call to talk about what's positive or fun in your life:  Kathryn just passed the bar exam!  The neighbors sold their house!  Pamela has a new puppy and Vickitoria got a kitten! Make 'em laugh.  Tell funny stories about the kids or the dog or whatever.
• send funny cards, encouraging cards
• offer to run an errand:  the post office, dry cleaners, grocery or department store when you are going anyway yourself
• text message in the middle of the day
• deliver fresh picked apples ot tomatoes or zucchini
• send chemo-posts with recipes for eating well, having fun, indulging oneself on chemo days
• take your friend for a walk if they are up to it
• bring chocolates
• offer to play their favorite game or do a puzzle together 
• bring a book or movie that makes you laugh
• bring music
• bring freshly cooked healthy foods
• sit quetly and read or talk
• offer to:
• mow their lawn or weed the beds
• experiment with  make up application or scarf tying, if that is your talent
• wash their car
• sweep the walk or the kitchen floor
• water their plants
• walk the dog
• stay overnight if they are alone
• drive them to the doc or chemo or wherever they need to be
• let them do something for YOU if they want to

It's very tempting to rely on email and to support from afar.  I love getting emails.  But there is nothing quite like the human touch, the human voice, the face to face with a friend.  I'd love to have your comment(s) on things not on my list that you like to do for others, or things people have done for you that you liked.

So, even if you can't be there, 

E. T., Please Phone Home!